Kaleidoscope 2025

Kaleidoscope 2025

“The idea behind a kaleidoscope is that it is a structure filled with broken bits and pieces, and somehow, if you can look through them, you will see something beautiful. And I feel like we are all that way a little bit”                     

    -Sara Bareilles

Red January - Exercising and Losing Weight!

I decided to do my resolutions differently this year by focusing on one word: “kaleidoscope.” The year 2024 brought on many changes that have reshaped who I am in more ways than one. Every time you turn the chamber, a new combination is created. There are infinite possibilities and beauty that can be seen. Over the past few months, I’ve dropped a lot of weight, which sounds nice in theory, but it wasn’t on my terms. So, I’m taking this chance to turn the chamber and focus on my first goal for the year: being more consistent with working out. Last year, I had to stop seeing my trainer because I fractured my foot, and in September, I felt defeated climbing Mt. Rainier. I want to make sure I’m healthy enough to run the distance I want.

Let this shard of myself be the color red.

All Races Completed

  • Angkor Wat (20 Miles – 15 days)
  • Inca Trail (26.22 Miles – 16 days)
  • Jesus Trail (39 Miles – 28 days)
    • While this race is done, my walk with Christ continues.
  • The Sorcerer’s Stone (70.21 Miles – 34 Days)
  • The Chamber of Secrets (75.19 Miles – 18 Days)
  • Prisoner of Azkaban (80.16 Miles – 14 Days) 
  • Goblet of Fire (75.19 mi – 14 Days)
  • Order of the Phoenix (80.00 mi – 15 Days)
  • The Half-Blood Prince (85.00 mi – 17 Days)
  • The Deathly Hallows (140 mi – 30 Days)
  • Conqueror 2025 (1000 mi – 291 Days)

Fastest 5K Time

00:39:37  (12:44 Min/Mile) – Rose Bowl 5K (01/18/25)

Trainer, Weight, and More

Gym Membership Stats

    • Took 7 Sessions with a Personal Trainer
    • Took 1 Karate Lesson
    • Online Fitness Coach Meetings Weekly
    • Visits to the Gym: 77
  • Weight Stats
    • Starting Weight: 289.5 lbs (10/2/24)
      • Current Weight: 201.39 (8/1/25)

Gym Personal Records

  • Lower Day 1 (Quad & Calf Focused)
    • Hip Abductor (Machine): 190 lbs x 12 reps
    • Hip Adductor (Machine): 165 lbs x 12 reps
    • Back Squat (Barbell): 140 lbs x 10 reps
    • Angled Machine Leg Press: 298 lbs x 12 reps
    • Kettlebell Goblet Squat: 50 lbs x 12 reps
    • Leg Extension (Machine): 95 lbs x 12 reps
    • Seated Leg Curl (Machine): 100 lbs x 12 reps
    • Calf Raise
      • Seated Calf Raise:  TBD
      • Standing Calf Raise: 227 lbs x 15 reps
      • Calf Press on Seated Leg Press: 120 lbs x 15 reps
      • Calf Extension: 175 lbs x 15 reps
  • Lower Day 2 (Hamstring & Calf)
    • Dumbbell Deadlift (RDL): 35 lbs x 12 reps
      • Deadlift (Smith Machine): 75 lbs x 12 reps
    • Machine Lying Leg Curl: 55 lbs x 12 reps
    • Other exercises listed on Day 1
  • Upper Day 1 (Chest & Back)
    • Pull Up: TBD
      • Pull Up (Assisted): -80 lbs x 10 reps
    • Incline Bench Press (Barbell): 65 lbs x 10 reps
    • Machine Seated Chest Fly: 75 lbs x 12 reps
    • Lat Machine Wide Bar Pulldown: 115 lbs x 5 reps
    • Seated Cable Row (Bar wide Grip): 90 lbs x 12 reps
    • Dumbbell Seated Shoulder Press: 35 lbs x 10 reps
    • Cable Overhead Tricep Extension: 70 lbs x 12 reps
    • Preacher Curl (Machine): 45 lbs x 12 reps
  • Upper Day 2 (Shoulder & Arm)
    • Dumbbell Lateral Raise: 15 lbs x 12 reps
    • Dumbbell Bench Press: 35 lbs x 10 reps
    • Face Pull: 70 lbs x 12 reps
    • Bicep Curl (Dumbbell): 25 lbs x 10 reps
    • Hammer Curl (Dumbbell): 15 lbs x 12 reps
    • Triceps Rope Pushdown: 60 lbs x 12 reps
  • Core
    • Ab Crunches: 20 reps in 45s secs
      • 50 reps (Max no break)
    • Leg Raises
      • Lying Straight Leg Raise: 18 reps in 45s secs
        • 50 Reps (Max no break)
      • Leg Raise Parallel Bars: 12 reps
    • Sit Up: 7 reps in 45s secs
    • Elbow Plank: 1 minute
    • Basic Scrunch: 12 reps
  • Other
    • Chest Dip Assisted: -140 x 9 reps
    • Single Arm Cross Body Tricep Extension: TBD
    • Hack Squat: 70 lbs x 12 reps
    • Push Up: 10 reps
    • Jump Rope: TBD
    • Torso Rotation: 160 lbs x 12 reps
    • Hand Grippers: 150 lbs x 24 reps (Left hand)
    • Hand Grippers: 150 lbs x 24 reps (Right hand) 
    • Reverse Curl Dumbbell (15 lbs x 12 reps) 

Upcoming In Person Races

Conquer the Pier-2025

Santa Monica Classic 5K-2025

A Charlie Brown 5K - 2025

Rose Bowl 5K - 2026

Yellow February - Reading for Fun and Faith

Kaleidoscope: The Other Side of Chaos 

My mental health has been a struggle this year, so a friend recommended I read The Other Side of Chaos by Margaret Silf. It reminded me of the gaps and bridges in life and how sometimes I just have to take a leap of faith into this next chapter. I think I was scared of the change and forgot to embrace the chaos and go with the flow of life, remembering that these transitions are part of those liminal spaces between two different moments in time. One of the chapters had me crying because it ironically started off talking about the kaleidoscope. On some nights, we might need to be shaken up. Sometimes, our experiences are shattered into pieces, and we can’t make sense of the new pattern; it takes us somewhere new, a recreation. It’s a huge risk we take but sometimes it takes burying a seed to let it grow! My second goal for this year is to read more books for fun and pleasure and to learn more. I’ve spent the past three years reading too many academic articles and books that I forget how to slow down to truly absorb what the book is trying to share with me. I guess it’s that human connection. Additionally, I decided to try doing a Bible study for the first time. I decided to do it in English, which will be interesting since I grew up reading the Bible in Spanish.

Let the shard of myself be the color yellow.

Books Read

  • January 
    • Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity by Devon Price
  • February
    • The Other Side of Chaos: Breaking Through When Life is Breaking Down by Margaret Silf
  • March
    • Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl
    • The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho
  • April
    • Sunrise on the Reaping by Suzanne Collins
    • The Revenant Games by Margie Fuston 
    • Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia
  • May
    • The Ministry of Time by  Kaliane Bradley
    • Silver Elite by Dani Francis
    • The Poppy War by R. F. Kuang
    • Fourth Wing by Rebecca Yarros (519 pages in 3 days?!)

Currently Reading

  • Killers of a Certain Age by Deanna Raybourn
  • Murdle Volume. 1 by G.T. Karber
    • On Puzzle 21
  • I am also rereading 1984 by George Orwell, as part of a recovery journey for a friend. 

DNF (Did Not Finish)

  • The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson

Green March - Rebuilding My Faith Life

Kaleidoscope: Clarity Through Him 

Sometimes, we are unsure of where we want to go in life. In 2020 I said that I had 20/20 vision for what I wanted to do with my life after spending time reflecting. I didn’t realize that I saw life through rose-colored glasses. In late 2024-2025, I came to see how God revealed the symmetry and purpose of the broken shards in my life. I can see his love and power through the pain and afflictions suffered. This year, for my third intention, I want to spend more time in prayer and putting my heart into the things I do. On the third day, Jesus rose, and I started my third virtual race I have decided to dedicate it to him who helps me see. I will be walking a virtual rendition of the path that Jesus walked through. 

Let this shard of myself be the color green.

Faith Life

  • First solo bible study: Chronological
    • Currently on Proverbs
  • Start attending church regularly again
  • Sermon Group on Fridays
  • Serving in the Knights of Columbus
    • Third Degree Knight

Purple April - Finding my Roots

Kaleidoscope: Hear my Echo

Something about this year feels like an invitation. Not loud. Not urgent. Just a soft nudge to come home to myself. This year, I choose to return to myself.

Not the polished version, and not the one who performs on stage—but the one who remembers how to take a deep breath, laugh without holding back, and dream without permission. 

I’ve been moving fast, doing what needs to be done, but I’ve missed my presence being near. 
This year, I want to slow down.
Reconnect with parts of me that I’ve ignored. 

I peel back the layers,
not to discard what I’ve been,
but to touch what I forgot-
the softness, the strength, my spark.

The version of me that paints just because. 
The one who dances in the kitchen, 
raises his hand in every class, writes late at night,
sits in silence without rushing away. 

Rediscovery isn’t about reinventing who I am-
It’s about remembering. I’m still here, 
under the layers of routine.
A noise calling out. 

This year is for listening,
so I choose to listen. 
It’s for sitting still long enough to hear my voice,
and trusting that it still knows the way.

Honestly, the few years that I was at Antioch University I never quite felt like myself. I felt like I was constantly hiding behind a mask among a cohort that did not feel safe to be around. There are times when I regret not choosing to return to my alma mater. Anyhow, can’t change that now, but I can focus on living in the moment. I’ve decided to create a new Instagram that serves as my daily journal. An unfiltered version of myself that showcases my life, and not the polished and curated posts I do on my photography account. 

Make sure to check it out!
Instagram: SweepIt_UnderTheMatt

Let the shard of myself be the color purple. 

Blue May - Remembering to Breathe

Kaleidoscope: Fresh Air

When one tries to slow it down, one must remember to breathe. When we slow down, the body needs oxygen to refuel itself, as it tries to expel all that carbon dioxide from running. In that slowing down, we rest and reset for the next step. 

While sharing my testimony with people down in Los Angeles, I have been reminded that things in our lives sometimes happen for a specific reason. In addition to doing my chronological bible study, I flip to a random chapter in the bible and find a verse to reflect on for the day.  Recently, I read Jeremiah 29:11, where the Lord declares, “For I know the plans I have for you, ‘plans to prosper you and not harm you, to give you hope and a future.'” As I reflected on this verse, I realized that God might ruin my plans so that my plan wouldn’t ruin me. I might be praying for something to work out at work, for a specific girl to stay in my life, but then the situation goes south. God might remove it from my life (like leaving Antioch University), and it hurts a lot in the moment, but after months, a year, or even years, it all makes sense why it happened. 

It was to shape and reshape me like a pot of clay. In these places where I am broken and remolded, I can breathe and slow down. I’m not in a race against anyone but myself. My life has its timeline, and in the meantime, I can look at the areas I need to grow in. 

Rather than rushing into another relationship again, I recognize that I want to prioritize being the best version of myself first. Making sure I can do all I need on my own, learning to satisfy myself and be happy, then I will be on the right path. Because then I can find a future spouse who will complement me. Not just someone who is my other half, but my other whole. I may have already met them in my life, but it’s also possible that we may live in different cities, and in a matter of time, we will wind up in the same one. 

While this month does not have a specific measurable trait, I can lean into prayer for future decisions I make. I can meditate and reflect on my teachings this month. Sometimes you can’t run the entire race at the fastest pace, sometimes you need to walk in between the jogs. Sometimes you need to stop to hydrate.

So this month, I hope to spend time in silence, hearing my breaths as I put intentions into everything I do. 

Let this shard of myself be the color blue.

Pink June - Pigment of Passion

Kaleidoscope: Even the sky blushes for your beauty

This year, I want to fall in love with creation again, with the wild, and trembling kind of beauty that blooms when you let go of your fears. I want to court the quiet ideas, cradle them like secrets, and give them the space to breathe, bloom, and burn. 

I don’t want to wait for permission or perfection. I want to dip my hands into the color of feeling, smearing it across pages, walls, even the sky if I have to. All just to prove that I was here and feeling everything. I want to wander through poems like gardens, paint with my pulse, and write like I’m whispering to the girl I miss. Let the world God created serve as my muse. The hush of dusk, the weight of someone’s gaze, the music in laughter, the ache in silence. 

Let each moment break open, spilling gold. Let my heart speak in metaphors and madness. This year I want to make art the way people love. Recklessly, gently, and without apology. Because somewhere deep in me is a fire that refused to go out, and I am ready to let it shine.

Earlier this year, I spent time creating two flower bouquets for the people I care about, and have decided to finally put my hook down on this hobby. I am hoping to start some new creative projects this year. I am hoping to learn how to embroider and use watercolor in new ways. I am continuing to work on my photography skills, and I’m spending more time in different mediums of art this year. 

Let this shard of myself be the color pink. 

Cyan July - Erasing their Version of Me

Kaleidoscope: The Self I Buried, The Self I Became

I buried the imposter wearing my name,
stitched smiles on skin that never fit,
spoke in tongues I didn’t recognize
just to be understood.

But the silence remembered me.
In the grave of forgetting,
I unearthed the self I left behind, 
mud-slicked, star-eyed, and waiting.

I gathered the pieces I once hid
like sacred relics in dust-covered corners.
They weren’t broken. Just patient.
Just mine.

I burned the script they wrote for me,
pages curling like old lies in flame,
and in that ash
I found my voice, raw and untrained.

I was never lost. Only veiled.
The soul within me never moved,
only waited for the shedding
of every borrowed skin.

Now I rise,
rebuilt from echoes and fire,
not who I was,
But never again who I wasn’t.

In April, I discussed wanting to rediscover my roots and rebuild myself to who I was before. But you see, I was wrong about becoming who I was before. In Winter, Los Angeles faced many fires that burned away the flowers that used to be there, and in some cases, the roots of vegetation can often burn as well. So you see, Spring isn’t just about restoring oneself, but it’s also about renewal. After fires in California, we often see a new flower pop up called the Fire Poppy (one of my favorites). A symbol of hope after such brutal destruction. A symbol of hope that keeps us going when water comes pouring down on us in the form of ICE. You see, I am not only picking up the roots that I could find from my past, but becoming someone new. 

This month, I am only calling those who call me, supporting those who support me, and ignoring those who ignore me. Pardon my French, but everyone else can fuck themselves. Let my absence be a reminder. My ship is setting sail, and they can watch me from the shore. I’m off to find the new me across the ocean. In a more literal sense, I removed 95% of the people I followed on my page and kept the 5% that were there for me. Some may only reach out once every 2 months, but their words carry more weight than the people I used to see every week in school. 

Let this shard of myself be the color cyan. 

Golden Yellow August - Even the Sun Learns to Rise Again

Kaleidoscope: Not everything learned comes in the light. Some things bloom at dusk.

I am like the earth,
Learning how the sun rises each morning,
gently, softly, 
With no need to rush. 

A new language rises in me
like the dawn, 
It feels uncertain at first, but certain of its coming.
I’m learning to shape sounds with the care of a potter,
molding meaning from my mistakes.
Warming to the rhythm of voices,
Those are not yet my own. 
Every word I learn is a beam breaking through the fog. 

And I am learning to love myself
not with fireworks, but with a steady flame. 
I turn my face towards,
What I used to hide. 
I do not flinch. 
This body, this story, 
They have all survived enough
to deserve the sun. 

I go back to school with my hands open. 
They are not empty, just ready. 
Gathering new knowledge like light 
across my shoulders. 
I let it soak through the fear,
through stores that told me I couldn’t. 
This time, I walk in as someone who is:
older, braver, burning with questions. 

Let them see me. Let me see myself. 
I’m not staring over.
I am simply rising in the night,
with a reflection of the golden sun. 

Many of you know that I am excited to start classes again this fall. I spent a lot of time preparing and doing research over this year so that I could finish strong in my last two years of school. Throughout this year, I’ve removed people who were “friends” or “colleagues” at some point in my life. I’ve focused on my faith and my health, and although this part of my journey feels very lonely, I am learning to love myself more. 

Finally, I’ve previously talked about wanting to learn a new language. So I asked one of my closet friends what language I should learn. So at her recommendation, I am learning Tagalog and hoping that I can use it to communicate with more people and friends that I have in the Philippines. 

Let this shard of myself be golden yellow. 

Smokey September - Wake Me Up

Kaleidoscope: Afterlight
September folds its soft gray hands,
around a porch light and the paws of dusk. 
Maple takes its leave in polite flames,
And the air starts to taste like the last page of a book. 

The afterlight arrives:
a cracked mug, in someone’s laugh, or in a streetlight humming.
Grief settles like the last cold on the windowsill.

I’ve been learning how to carry what’s been given to me. Mental health isn’t a single moment. It’s a weather system. 
Some days are clear, and others are stormy. It’s okay to ask
for covering, shelter, and sometimes the forecast isn’t right. It’s not something you have to fix all at once, but reaching out is always the first step. To those who don’t know, I’ve suffered from Persistent Depressive Disorder, and I’m still working on it. There are days when I wake up and don’t want to do anything, but I know I have to in the current uncertainty of the world. In some of these darker moments, I falter and struggle with my faith at times. Walking in my faith will not magically make the storm vanish, but it means you don’t face it abandoned. It’s a space where I’m reflecting a lot on lately, and knowing that these are moments where I am challenged to grow. 

As someone who has dealt with suicide in the past, make sure to reach out to friends and family during suicide prevention month if you don’t check up on them often. 

Let this shard of myself be the color black. 

Amber October - Crimson Past Midnight

Kaleidoscope: The world speaks when we listen 

This month reminded me that being present isn’t just about flicking a light switch on. It’s about practice, about noticing how easy it is to drift from one thing into the next: the next worry, or the next imagined future. You see, all the breathing, slowing down, and recognizing who I am this year was to focus on the moments where I felt alive, where I paused to see what was going on around me, and more specifically, on the things right in front of me. 

When we are present, we don’t just keep an empty mind; it’s about showing up with intention. It’s about feeling the warmth of the sun in the morning, or the way my breath settles into the room after a run. When every conversation echoes longer as I listen, instead of preparing for the next thought that is bouncing in my head. 

Being present isn’t about perfection, but asking what is here in the room with me. Let those answers soften your thoughts rather than let them overwhelm you. Life isn’t just about big milestones, but also about the ordinary afternoons, the days where we sleep in, the gentle feeling of being wherever are feet take us. 

Being present is not something I chase, but rather what I choose. Each breath and each moment. 

Let this shard of myself be amber red. 

Sage November - Rooted in Sage, Steady in Spirit

Kaleidoscope: Between Sun and Moon 
This year felt like I was walking on a tightrope, but I didn’t realize I’d already been doing this for years. Living in the liminal spaces between life and death, waltzing through the casinos in Vegas, and in who I am today and who you remember yesterday. Some mornings I’d wake up steady, feet planted, breathing softly and sure. And other days, I swayed between all my thoughts, every expectation, and every emotion I attempted to ignore. 

Yet in the middle of this balancing act, I started to understand that I not only needed to listen to the stillness of the world, but also listen inwards. To a beating heart, to the screams and bustling downtown life of my brain, and towards my quiet needs. I was carrying a lot, and listening to a whisper that often told me what to hold onto and what to let go of. 

I’m discovering to focus on balance: choosing rest before I break, patience instead of panic, and myself without apologizing. It’s the discipline of coming back to the center like a target, even when it feels like the target is moving. A reminder that I am almost who I want to be in this next phase of my life, a reminder that even when the wind makes me say, I have to learn the rhythm of my own life, and that will be enough to face the storms, along with the trust that I hold in God as I am lost at sea looking for a sign of land. 

Let this shard of myself be the color sage.  

Lilac December - Petals of Compassion

Kaleidoscope: Glass dissolves in sunlight, leaving only flowers in its wake. 
As the year begins to reach its final pages, it reminds us that the kaleidoscope will shift once again, painting a new picture for 2026. Swirls of colors, moments, and memories that each catch fragments of life in their own unique ways. 

This year has reminded me to pause a lot, challenge myself to grow in faith, in enjoying the little things in life, in reflection, spending time with the people I care about, trying out new things, taking a breath, running, and remembering who I was and learning about who I am becoming. 

Now I pause to honor the compassion that softens the path, and the gratitude I have for the ordinary days, and the lessons that came wrapped up as trials. I want to leave behind what no longer serves me: old worries, regrets, and shadows of doubt. Like petals unfurling after frost, I look to bloom into the new year with hope, new perspectives, and a chance to share my love with others. 

Endings are beautiful, letting go can be graceful, and every moment is full of patterns that shape different aspects of our lives. 

Thank you for joining me on this Kaleidoscope journey, and I hope you are ready for something new in 2026. 

Let this shard of myself be lilac. 

Places I've Visited While in Grad School